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“Write absolute music and let go of music for film because it can cause enormous delusions: if a film composer, who wants to do film, a real composer, is not called by anyone, the composer doesn’t exist. That is a very serious and sad situation.”

- Ennio Morricone

An interesting observation and probably excellent advice, although difficult to follow.

So we’ve had a celebrity frequenting my place of employment lately. Even after the initial ‘ooh’ing and ‘ahh’ing, she’s turned out to be a pretty cool gal, all things considered, with her own specific quirks that I probably notice more acutely than I would with other people. You know, the glam of the whole situation wore off very fast. Today was only the second time I’ve met this person, and it was like seeing any other familiar face walk through the door. I guess that’s not really weird. Hmph. Anyway.

Other than this person being a generally pleasant soul, when she came by today things were overwhelmingly busy. There were people everywhere demanding my attention, but when she arrived I went out of my way to greet her, as well as her mother and their family friend (who had been waiting for their arrival and whose needs I was already attending to).

The celebutante in question had casually asked me to get her something and I assented. I had every intention of getting it, but I believe she noticed how busy we were, saw that I became caught up in something else, and thought she would “help” by getting it herself. She strolled into the back room/clearly designated “Employees Only” area and asked me where the item was, expressing to me her intention by shouting, “I’ll just get it myself”.

Here’s the thing: whether or not she may have thought she was helping, or whether she was just being an impatient little superstar, it was a bad idea all around for her to have done this. The ‘back room’ I speak of is a disaster zone. There are boxes blocking passageways, precariously perched inventory items just waiting to drop from shelves, sensitive business-related materials, random junk, and, periodically, employees hiding from the throngs of customers who want 100% of that person’s attention 100% of the time.

What am I supposed to say at that point? “Wait, stupid girl, if my boss knew you were doing this she would probably scream!” or “No, thanks anyway, but pending any possible injuries to your person, we don’t want to get sued.” I did neither, although I instinctively wanted to. Instead I told her that it would be troublesome because the items were high up and I would have to use a ladder. Then I immediately dropped what I was doing and went to get them myself, preventing her from any further attempts to take control of the situation on her own.

I know this sounds like a ridiculously silly story to even bother thinking twice about, and that it was only one small event in a long line of mundane daily superfluous plot points, but I wanted to reach out to any celebrities, demi-celebrities, or future celebrities who may or may not be reading this blog (ha!) - I admire your tenacity, but please let us do our thing. Thank you.

Through fortuitous circumstances, I received many decorative thermal shirts free of charge today. They’re comfortable and lovely, and they were on sale at Delia’s. I’m very pleased with the arrangement. I’m less pleased with Jake Gyllenhaal being on SNL. I’ve got nothing against the guy, he just doesn’t thrill me. Unlike Ioan Gruffudd. If he ever hosted Saturday Night Live, my delight would transcend those feelings thought possible to be rendered by television. A convoluted sentiment, but a true one nonetheless.

My dog is running around like a crazy boy. I think I’ll go take some photos. Maybe the next time I try to write in this thing, there should be some sort of reason or worthwhile sentiment I have to express. Or not. Mwa ha ha ha ha!

T E L E V I S I O N: Oh, one more thing - I can’t stand how long the winter television hiatus has been for most shows. The only shows that came back in a timely fashion were those in NBC’s Thursday comedy line-up: My Name Is Earl, The Office, Scrubs, and 30 Rock. It does afford me more time to read. Which reminds me…

B O O K S: I just finished reading Jane Eyre. Jane Eyre… let me begin by saying I truly enjoyed reading the book, and, at a certain point, became so engrossed in it that I had to continue reading despite exhaustion and a need to get up the following morning. Jane is a fascinating, well-rounded character whose outlook and behavior transcends her circumstances and peers. She is smart, perceptive, well-disciplined, appreciative, self-deprecating, and possesses a deep sense of humilty while also being able to comfortably and confidently speak her mind on pretty much any issue. Like many books of the time period, her almost unchallengable humility is bothersome to a 20th century feminist like myself; but the more I reflect on the novel, the more I can see it in context and the way it is believably woven into the story. Also, given her circumstances, Jane was particularly open and forward with Mr. Rochester and everyone else in Thornfield Hall.

One of the most problematic and disturbing aspects of the book, of course, was Bertha Mason - Rochester’s estranged, crazy wife who he keeps tethered in the attic. I was drawn and attracted to Rochester’s character like Jane was. Even after finding out about his situation and his intention to trick Jane, I still wanted the couple to find a way to be together, which made me feel kind of guilty. How were we not supposed to care about Rochester’s wife? She was mad, not evil, unless you unquestioningly believe Rochester’s account of her previous behavior. I’m looking forward to reading Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys, which is written from Mason’s perspective, as well as a slight interlude from Rochester’s. I’m curious to see how she will approach the story and what sympathies she will lend to each character.

For other Jane Eyre fans, Masterpiece Theatre (PBS) will be airing a new two part adaptation on January 21 and 28. The woman playing Jane looks stodgy and sharp, while the man playing Rochester is not at all how I envisioned him; the actor’s face is much softer and less rugged. Hopefully they’ll both make me forget these impressions.

I’ve really started the new year off well by getting fired before I even started. Yes, I know that is quite an accomplishment, and it was primarily my own stupidity that did it, aided minorly by elements of poor timing and bad advice. I just feel like crying giant, crocodile tears. Things have been so rough for me lately, I was hoping that they were on an upswing. Everyone will say that this is ultimately for the best and that, in the end, I’ll be happier, but for the moment, when I have no one and nothing to console me, my funds are dwindling, I’m developing a bronchial infection and can’t go to the doctor, and my mother has made things worse by telling me how stupid I was, I have to say that I’m feeling pretty dreary.

And I was so lucky to get this job, too. A small staff, fully paid health insurance, meaningful responsibilities… the reasons for my firing were valid, but ludicrous. I know those two explanations seem to contradict one another, but the description is apt. I didn’t have all my papers I needed for hiring. I didn’t have my birth certificate or social security card. Everyone I asked about it told me that it wouldn’t be a problem and that he would tell me what I needed on the first day. Yeah, they were off. It was a big problem, and it illustrated to him that the faith he had put in me was misplaced.

I had many other things to prove my identity, but none of them mattered if they weren’t one of those two magical documents. I travelled several hours outside the city and back in the smallest time span possible to get my birth certificate; I ran; I spent a lot of money doing it; but it was too late. I was clearly incompetent and not worth the time.

All I want right now is a job that I can live on and enjoy. The humorous part of the argument is that such an aspiration is a lofty one, for anyone; hardly anyone gets to be happy in their line of work, and if they do end up finding a job that doesn’t make them want to commit suicide, they’re considered blessed. Everyone just considers it a way of life. As the years wear on, that mentality is just reinforced rather than eroded because it benefits the people who are living the way they want because of the unsatisfying, inadequate labor of those who don’t see any way out of this predicament. Nobody wants to be one of those people stuck on the bottom, crushed beneath a weight they can neither lift nor do anything about. I sound really defeatist right now, but I feel very defeated. Something good has to happen today.

My congestion developed into a full fledged sinus infection, so I spent my New Year’s Eve uneventfully. In the earlier portion of the day, we went to see Avenue Q with my visiting sisters and their friends. I enjoyed some of the songs a lot, but overall I wasn’t bowled over by the play. Getting out was uncomfortable given the theatre’s proximity to Times Square, which was already jammed full of thousands of people. One of the disadvantages (or advantages, depending on what kind of person you are) of living in this area.

Christmas was exhausting and short. This has been a rough year on myself and my family. I want to say that I hope next year will be different, but I don’t know if I do. Bad things are bound to happen and everyone is going to operate on a flux of positive and negative events that unfold in their life; I guess I just don’t want things to get any worse. Thinking about what I want for the next year fills me with anxiety, dread, and memories of what happened at the beginning of last year. I know that I never want to have another breakdown. That’s one desire I’m extremely sure of.

I start work on Tuesday. Not having the proper identification makes me nervous since he expressly mentioned it when I was leaving the interview. Not that I’m going to let it undermine my confidence. New things are stressful; at least it corresponds with the ‘new year’, new everything else.

My thoughts are few and far between regarding this blog. I’ll write more when I feel there’s a reason to. I just didn’t want to fall into disrepair. Happy new year.

That time of the winter has come and my sinus’ are blocked. It’s miserable. I had so much trouble sleeping last night. After a while, I was so desperate to go to sleep, I got up and took the nasal irrigation kit my mother got me and went to the bathroom to try it. I have to say that it helped. Not as much as I hoped it would, though. It’s a weird sensation. All my specific kit consists of is a bottle with an adjustible spout that you fill with warm water. Then you take a packet of saline solution, pour it in, seal the bottle, and shake it up. Once the bottle is shaken, you lean over your sink or water catching recepticle and open your mouth. You position the spout in one of your nostrils and then squeeze the bottle. Salty water comes rushing through your nose and there’s a little bit of pressure at first before the water pushes the mucus blocking your nose into your throat. You’re supposed to squeeze until water begins to drain out of your other nostril or your mouth.

The first time I flushed out my sinus’ I successfully cleared most of the blockage into my throat. The second time, I could barely get the water through the other nostril. It was disappointing, since irrigation is supposed to be so helpful to people who have severe sinus problems. I’m not really sure why I became congested yesterday. I do feel drained and exhausted, so I probably just contracted a virus or a cold. I hope it clears up before the weekend because there’s a lot of delicious Christmas food I want to be able to taste the flavor of.

For work, I’ve learned how to perform mail and label merges in Microsoft Word (with data from an Excel file). What a fantastically cool feature! I wish I had known how to do it a long time ago. It really does make producing mass material infinitely easier and breezier. I’m excited about the opportunity to do it at work. Now I just have to learn how to mass e-mail and I should be pretty stable on the ‘mass’ computer techniques.

I found a website with some excellent watchable Microsoft Office tutorials: Mi Stupid. I think the name of the site sucks (why would you want to alienate the people who you are trying to engage?), but the content was incredibly helpful, especially for freely disseminated information.

I am once again a member of the working elite. Oh joy! The fact that I’m working isn’t what I’m thrilled about. It’s the fact that: A) I got a cool job at an awesome organization. B) The man who hired me said my cover letter was what got me the interview; “spectacular”, “I had to meet someone who could write like that”. C) He has a doctorate in English, which makes that even cooler. D) There is a significant pay increase from my last job, accompanying a health insurance package which I desperately need. E) Being broke is manageable for a little while, but Christmas shopping has drained my resources.

I was so psyched when I left. After I interviewed, he called me back shortly after I left asking if I had gotten very far. Then he asked me to come back for a second interview. I figured that was a good sign. I’m so glad I answered my phone.

Now, with all of this good news comes something I’m disappointed in myself about: Matt’s birthday was today and his present didn’t arrive on time. I should have foreseen this and gotten him something else, giving him his intended birthday gift at Christmas. But I didn’t. I didn’t even think about it, nor did I think if the present arrived late it would be a big deal. This was after he brought home pre-wrapped gifts for my birthday when he came home from work at 2:00 in the morning. I feel like such a jerk. I felt less like a jerk before I started writing this, strangely enough. Journal writing is supposed to be a psychological balm, not an irritant. Jeez.

I went out to get him an ice cream cake, but the stupid ridiculously overpriced NYC grocery store in my area apparently doesn’t sell ice cream cake (another check for the suburbs). So I got a different cake, along with 24 swirly candles and some candy gel that I will use to lovingly inscribe “Happy Birthday Matt” on the sweet processed chocolate frosting. I hope this makes him feel a little bit better, just to see that I made some kind of effort. I bought my own cake on my birthday, but if I hadn’t I am sure he would’ve gotten me one. That’s partially due to my ravenous love of cake, but regardless.

My family is officially on their way to being somewhat moved out of their Florida apartment. Actually, they estimate they may be able to leave within about an hour. My sister assured me that they were stopping at a hotel. My mother hates hotels, so this was good news. Normally she drives for long periods of time, stops at a rest stop, struggles with sleeping for 20 minutes to an hour, and continues on her way exhausted and frustrated. Additionally she has to pop caffeine pills to stay awake, blast the air conditioner or the car radio, have someone else awake to entertain her and make sure she’s alert. I’m not trying to be critical of my mom; she makes a sacrifice whenever she goes on these long driving trips. Primarily I worry because she’s getting older and it’s not a good idea for her to keep doing it all the time after she turns 50.

I’m starving. I’ll write more later.

My interview is tomorrow and I’m starting to feel anxious about it because I’m psyched about the job. Isn’t that a terrible trap to be caught in. I’ve been researching the organization, sifting through the website, trying to find all the information I can about what they do and how they do it. I want to be prepared. The guy who I’m interviewing with has a doctorate in medieval english literature. I’m wondering if maybe my english literature background helped me in the application process. That’s one time it did! Ha. But seriously folks.

It’s a vicious cycle, wanting to be calm, cool, and collected, but being preoccupied with relentless thoughts of, “what should I be doing?” It’s not that I don’t feel confident. I feel very confident. I guess I often do this to myself when I want something that’s not entirely under my control.